shinano: (Default)
Long long time ago, there was an untold story of humans. Not all people were able to know of this story, until not to long ago. The tale speaks of a girl. A young girl who changes the smiles of her, and herself. It goes a little like this...

It was painful to smile once more. It was hard to fake a smile that seem real. All of it was hard at first. But soon, afterwards, I got used to it. It was like, it was part of me.

I always try to remember when was the last time I truly smiled and laughed with good feelings. Sure, I may laugh and smile every here and there and get that good feeling of being happy. But sometimes when I look back, it just feels empty to me. Like, it was nothing special at all.

I would always sit and try to re-think what a happy smile was. A smile that was felt with warmth and feelings. But when I think too hard, everything begins to hurt. Like, I don't need the warmth of my own smile anymore. All just shuts down when I think to much about it.

Watching others smile truly kind of makes me jealous. It's like they can smile off happily and receive the warmth feeling of life again. It kind of hurts inside when others do it. So I thought, maybe I tried it again. Trying to remember how to smile off with warmth. Once more, it all begun to hurt inside of me. So I stopped thinking about it.

Everyday was the same. Filling my face with a smile of lies. A smile that meant nothing to me. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I would look around me and everyone would be smiling, while I'm just a person with a smile filled with lies.

I would go back through some old photos and I would see my childish smile once more. I would envy the old times because back then, I wasn't as messed up as I am now. It was all easy back then when I was able to smile without any worries. To laugh aloud again would be nice. To smile off to my friends would be even better. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to smile like I use to when I was so much younger.

Often looking at the mirror, I try to smile with real feelings. But in the end, I could only pull of my fake smile. Sometimes I wonder if I should cry about the fact that I can't smile happily anymore. Or maybe I should be happy on the fact that I don't want to smile off happily. Sometimes I even fight with myself on this fact.

But then a thought occurred to me. What if...what if I'm not the only one putting on fake smiles that aren't meaningful to them or others. When I thought about that hard enough, something began to come out of my eyes. I was crying. Over something this useless and not meaningful to me. I don't know what over came me, but I just began to cry.

"Maybe...maybe they're lonely just as I am. Maybe...they just want someone to tell them 'It's okay.' and smile back...or maybe...or maybe...they just wanted someone to comfort them...just like...me..."

It all began to come out of me.

I finally understood why I didn't smile with the warmth feeling again. It was because I just wanted someone to be there for me. Someone to tell me, I don't need to be holding all of this in by myself. That, it's okay to let others in and I can lean on someone else.

"...Right now, I may be weak and not be able to smile off like I use to...but...one day, just one day...I'll be able to smile with my feelings again...With everyone I love and that protects me..."

...from that day the girl was able to smile happily. Not only was she able to find her true happiness again, but the girl was able to find the ones she loved dearly. The girl began to help others with the same problem she had once faced. With the fear of opening up to others, the girl suggested that if someone is willing to give you their hands, then consider accepting it. You never know, maybe you'll be able to smile off with the warm smile of life again from that hand.

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Shinano

January 2013

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